Welcome back, Fertitta!

If Trump has turned the White House into a Togni circus, why on earth shouldn’t his representative in Italy turn the embassy into a cruise ship?

On Sunday, we all watched the motocross track, the fights and the other shows to mark the 250th anniversary of poor America and, at the same time, the 80th birthday of the wealthy president. The evening, featuring seven mixed martial arts bouts in front of over 4,000 spectators, seemed like a child’s dream come true – somewhat akin to "Home Alone", yet more problematic, with stuntmen performing pirouettes among what remains – amid concrete developments and demolitions – of the former office of the ‘leader of the free world’. Yet in Italy, we are not to be outdone. Trump’s ambassador to Rome has, in fact, announced a (long) state cruise. “Coastal diplomacy”, right, whatever.  

If Washington is in tears, Civitavecchia (Civitavecchia!) isn’t laughing. That’s where the big, fat Texan anniversary celebration took place. The U.S. Ambassador to Italy, in fact, resides there; Tilman J. Fertitta, a Trump supporter—as is customary in U.S. administrations—heads the mission in Italy, but, as has already been written about at great length, he was very disappointed with the embassy and the diplomatic residence between Via Veneto and Parioli, so he has fallen back on life on a boat. Much like Alberto Sordi, the solitary sailor from "I Nuovi Mostri", and also a bit like Manuel Fantoni from "Borotalco", he decided: "And so I opted for the sea". And what a sea – not Capri, not Portofino, but Civitavecchia. A strategic port with a strong focus on cruises. And indeed.

But let’s proceed methodically. Who would have thought that this small town in Lazio would be accorded such an honour (a town which, incidentally, is linked to other notable figures, having had Stendhal as French consul in the nineteenth century, and being the birthplace of two legends of twentieth-century journalism: Eugenio Scalfari and, even more so, Selvaggia Lucarelli).

Anchored in Civitavecchia is the Texan Fertitta – formerly a hugely successful restaurateur with his chains of seafood restaurants and former owner of the Houston Rockets basketball team – with his new yacht, the Boardwalk 2, measuring 117 metres in length, which has just replaced the more cramped Boardwalk 1, measuring just 77 metres. From the yacht, equipped not with one but with no fewer than two helipads (much like the double bathrooms in our flats), Fertitta takes to the skies every morning (and here’s another disappointment. Rome is full of disappointments for this Texan with his broad smile and unstoppable verve. In fact, he cannot fly over the city – an honour reserved for a select few, including the Pope – but has to land at the small Rome Urbe airport, to the north, and from there travel by car to the embassy, thereby negating much of the advantage of flying).

In short: over the weekend, aboard the dual-service (helicopter) yacht, the Italian version of the Trump-style White House spectacle took place. No motocross or wrestling, but plenty of elegance. Italian elegance. It was all captured on his Instagram: here’s the ambassador descending a “Scarface”-style grand staircase amidst black marble, chrome and thick carpet, with a round glass lift in the background, here’s a gentleman, possibly an embassy official, playing a grand piano – also snow-white – but if you look closely, it turns out to be one of those modern digital pianos, with built-in speakers and the electronic keyboard hidden behind the wooden panels. And then, sideboards laden with every imaginable delicacy, liqueurs, bitters and limoncello, behind which images of Italy’s finest wonders scroll across ultra-flat screens, including the inevitable Trevi Fountain – or rather, Trevi Fountain (just as, in the most high-tech homes these days, TVs display photos of christenings, confirmations and other special occasions). But here, the occasion is even more significant. The launch of “Coastal diplomacy” – which could be translated as “yachting diplomacy”. A grand cruise for Fertitta and his entourage, to visit the “Italian communities” and get to know one another better, along the coasts of the Belpaese. Which, as we know, are incredibly long. Just like the “Freedom 250 Coastal Diplomacy Italy Tour”, which sounds like a tour by a star such as Taylor Swift, and is about to set sail.

But let’s proceed methodically. Hostesses in black “Boardwalk” uniforms served the distinguished guests drinks in Bellini glasses bearing the “America 250” logo, the logo of the embassy on Via Veneto, and lots of little stars – it all seemed rather like the 1980s Glen Grant campaign featuring “Michele the connoisseur”, or perhaps a newly produced tequila (and perhaps they’ll launch it – nothing is ruled out in this administration, where everything is monetised: caps, bitcoins, children and family members). Speaking of Trump-style diplomacy, it remains to be seen what the outspoken Kimberly Ann Guilfoyle – current ambassador to Greece and former girlfriend of Donald Jr., who was reportedly sent to Athens to distance her from the family orbit, as his almost-daughter-in-law – will have to say, whilst the scion, finally free, was able to marry his Bettina Anderson last week (but the president didn’t go; he had to prepare for motocross). And what of Ambassador-in-law Kushner, head of the Paris office? Already given the boot by President Macron, and now all trace of him has been lost? Trump-style diplomacy is a soap opera, somewhere between the TV series "The Diplomat" and, above all, "The Love Boat", the 1980s soap in which ‘all sorts’ happened on a cruise ship.

And here we are back on the cruise. However, we also feel somewhat like characters from "Fantozzi" on the mega-editor’s private yacht "Il Bracciante", or in Capri with Silvani. A sensational announcement: “I am Ambassador Tilman Fertitta and I’m thrilled to tell you about our Coastal Diplomacy 250 plan”. Coastal what? “I’ll be taking American diplomacy along the entire Italian coastline! I’ll be stopping off in 13 regions.” Aboard the luxury yacht, setting sail from his beloved Civitavecchia, the ambassador and his entire travelling embassy will first disembark in Naples in two weeks’ time, then Palermo and Cefalù, “the land where my family comes from! Just think: they were already there back in the 1800s! I couldn’t be more excited,” he says, whilst increasingly taking on the appearance of a solo sailor: tanned with a few days’ stubble, but more ‘casual’ than Captain Stubing. The other evening he was wearing a blue suit, no tie, and no shoes – because he’s on a boat – but on his feet he was actually wearing slippers, big slippers, extraordinary clunkers, over his socks, mind you, just in case there’s a draught or a ‘breeze’ – such a typically Italian thing. Meanwhile, the journalists surrounding him to glean every detail of the important #coastaldiplomacy initiative were partly barefoot, whilst others wore synthetic hotel-style slippers – those thin white ones with a stiff sole that go ‘click-clack’ – perhaps provided by the diplomat-at-sea to guests like us who aren’t familiar with aquatic press conferences. One man, however, was wearing dreadful little black socks (what was he to know, poor chap, before leaving home?).

Meanwhile, drones film the boat and the gleaming yacht from above, but despite all this splendour, comments from clearly envious and resentful users appear on Instagram: “What a brilliant way to offload the cost of the boat onto American taxpayers!”, writes one. “Go and ride a bike instead!”, says another. “When are you coming to Pompeii?” asks what is clearly a Neapolitan supporter. A follower of the general: “Don’t forget to meet up with Vannacci!” 

Fertitta will not be perturbed by this, as he has far more pressing matters to attend to. After all, the itinerary for the state cruise is packed to the brim; it is well known that, after his ancestral Sicily, he will set course southwards – forget the narrow Strait of Hormuz, a matter now settled, floating diplomacy or not. The Boardwalk will cross over to the other side – welcome to the Adriatic – and off we go, towards Bari, Ancona, Venice and on up to Trieste, says the ambassador-captain. And then back down again! Into the Tyrrhenian Sea, via Genoa, “from where Christopher Columbus set sail!”, he enthuses. Grand finale in Sardinia on Ferragosto (perhaps with a property open house, and maybe we’ll buy Villa Certosa! There’s plenty of space and fresh air there, unlike in Via Veneto and the Parioli district).

In preparation for the cruise, the ambassador-captain also posts some engaging quizzes: “How many boats take part in the Barcolana regatta in Trieste?”. “Which is the largest island in Italy? “Quiz time!”. “It’ll be brilliant to get to know Italy better whilst sailing along the coast.” And when he goes ashore by helicopter – the big helicopter with the crossed Italian and American flags, registration number N252TF – enthusiasts will be able to track its various journeys on the various websites that legally display aircraft routes. There is only one of these large helicopters, and it may be parked in various locations, much as in well-run households different bathrooms are used at different times. However, the helipad – pardon me, the guest bathroom – must always be kept in order; one never knows who might arrive. Everyone is aware of that. Even in Civitavecchia, oh well.